You're Not a Pirate
by Taliax
Summary: This world is just too small. Being kidnapped by pirates would be a nice way out, Xehanort thinks. (A very crack take on Eraqus and Xehanort's first meeting.)


**A/N: Should I be working on my wips? Yes. Do I regret taking a whole free afternoon to write this crack? Absolutely not**

**My old roommate Sunyijie(AO3)/ma-tsu-the-male-goddess(tumblr) put me up to this lol**

"This world is just too small," Xehanort intoned in his practiced Monologuing Voice. Deep and mysterious, carrying powerfully over the sparkling waves. The sunset on the water was a beautiful image that likely would have made a dramatic out-of-context cutscene.

But Xehanort wasn't feeling very appreciative of the brilliant sunset, or the ocean waves, or any other part of the cutscene-worthy scenery.

He was looking for pirates.

He'd read plenty about them in the storybooks he stole from the library. They sailed giant ships and dug for buried treasure and kidnapped fair maidens. Xehanort wasn't a maiden, but he _did _have luxurious hair. Surely his gleaming silver locks combined with dramatic pining would be enough to attract his target.

(It hadn't worked the past thirty-seven days he'd tried, but he had a good feeling about today.)

He paced the line where the dry sand met the waves. Light and dark sand, in perfect balance. It provided a good enough inspiration for his next monologue. Xehanort wasn't a fan of the beach personally, but pretending might gain him points with whatever pirates came along.

"So easily the tide beats upon the shore. This endless cycle of waxing and waning… And yet the sand remains. Tainted by the darkness of the water, torn between the worlds of earth and sea—"

A loud explosion interrupted Xehanort's expertly-crafted soliloquy. His head snapped towards the horizon, sure that he was finally going to catch a glimpse of a pirate ship's cannon—but all he saw was a strange portal opening in the sky before dumping some kind of bike into the ocean. Pirates didn't ride bikes. (Bikes also usually didn't fall out of the sky while on fire, though, so maybe it deserved a more thorough investigation.)

There was only one problem: Xehanort couldn't swim.

He hovered at the edge of the water, flinching as it lapped over his shoes. He didn't have time to get his rickety boat before the strange flying bike would sink. But what if it had been blown out of the sky by pirates? Going after it might finally give them a reason to kidnap him.

After giving himself a quick pep monologue, he strode into the water. It was cold, and _wet, _and oh no he was getting in pretty deep actually and those waves were taller than they looked from the shore—

"What are you doing?" A confused voice asked right before a wave smacked Xehanort in the face.

He spat out salt and wiped his eyes. Great, his hair was ruined. How would he lure pirates here now?

"Who said that?" He demanded as he found his footing in the sand. The water was still up to his chest. The ocean was much better experienced from the top of a pirate ship, he decided. (Even if the cold and darkness would also make good monologuing material.)

"Over here!"

To his left, a boy about his age was waving. His black hair was pulled back in a soaked ponytail. Did pirates wear ponytails?

"Thanks for trying to save me, but I'm good." The boy grinned. The expression made him look even younger. Not a trace of a leer could be found there. Definitely not a pirate, then.

"Are you okay, actually? I didn't mean to scare you. I thought this world was empty."

"Of course it's not empty you fool—hold on, you're not from this world?"

The boy winced. "Oops, wasn't supposed to say that. Uh…"

Panicking, the boy swam back to the shore. Ugh, his form was _flawless. _Xehanort followed more clumsily. Stupid outsider boy, knowing how to swim better than him…

"Wait!" Xehanort called when the boy hit sand and started running. "Your flying bike is gone, and this is an island. You can't escape me forever."

The boy paused, but then he smirked and held out his hand. What was he doing? Inviting Xehanort to go with him? But the gesture was all wrong; it looked like the boy was reaching for a door handle, and—

_Oh. _A giant gray skeleton key appeared in his closed fist.

"What in Davy Jones' locker is _that?" _Xehanort practiced his pirate exclamations. "Are you some type of faerie? I was holding out for pirates to kidnap me. Fae deals can be far too complicated. A whole abyss of terms and conditions to keep track of."

The boy was trying not to laugh now, but at least he wasn't running away either. The magic key was held loosely at his side.

"I'm not a fairy. My name's Eraqus, and I should really go before my Master tears down the whole Worlds looking for me."

With an apologetic smile, he tossed the key over Xehanort's head. Because he was brave and strong enough to be a pirate, Xehanort didn't flinch. Much.

...Okay, so he threw himself flat on the sand. A giant metal key to the face would _hurt, _even if it might give him some nice intimidating bruises. Maybe even an excuse to wear an eyepatch.

There was a loud roar, and then the bike was flying back around to pick up Eraqus. Now that it wasn't crashing and on fire, Xehanort could see that its wheels were replaced with jets of white fire. That was _almost _as cool as a pirate ship. Almost.

A plan quickly formed in his head. He scrambled off the ground and threw himself at the magic bike.

"Hey!" Eraqus whined, but Xehanort was already shoving him out of the seat.

"You crashed on my island. Your treasure belongs to me now." Sure, the play island wasn't technically his, but it might as well be. No one else came out here since he'd begun his pirate stakeouts.

"That's my glider! What are you, some kind of psycho?"

Xehanort smirked. That sounded like a perfect segway into a monologue.

"Genius and madness are but light and shadow— two halves of the same coin. Only by searching beyond the shackles of this world can I—"

"Dude, why are you talking like that?" The boy's eyebrows scrunched.

Xehanort gaped in offense. The ignorant boy had _interrupted _his _monologue. _That was a sin comparable to punching someone in the face, or maybe even stealing their lunch.

"Talking like what?" He demanded. He did not _whine, _but his voice may have lost its mysterious intonation.

"You made your voice deeper."

"I did not! My voice is always deep as the ocean and intoxicating enough to rival sirens," he said in his best Monologuing-But-Hotter Voice.

Eraqus nodded, rubbing his chin with a thoughtful look on his face. "That one wasn't half bad. You're almost as dramatic as the Master."

Xehanort snorted. Whoever this "Master" was, he'd bet he could be far more dramatic. He'd played the starring role in his middle school's production of _Frozen, _after all. (A role he got purely based on talent, and not just because the music teacher wouldn't have to waste money on a white wig.)

"That's it!" The boy snapped his fingers. "That must be why I crash landed here. You're dramatic, have great hair, and make rash decisions— you'd make a great Keyblade Apprentice!"

"A what," Xehanort deadpanned, still sitting uncomfortably on the magic bike. Pirate ships would have better seats than this, he was sure of it.

"Don't worry, you'll love it." Eraqus waved off the question before climbing up behind Xehanort on the bike. The seat was bigger than a normal bike seat— more like an actual chair, with a back to it— but it was still definitely not made for two people. He reached around Xehanort to grab the handlebars, trapping him in place.

"Hold on," Xehanort said as the bike flared to life. "Are you kidnapping me?"

"...Nooo?" Eraqus volunteered.

Xehanort glared. "Good, because you're doing a horrible job of it."

If he was going to be kidnapped, it was supposed to be _dramatically, _with him fighting off ten pirates with only his fists before finally being overwhelmed. He'd be thrown in the brig before receiving his punishment in the form of swabbing the deck, under the direction of a suspicious but fatherly cook who would teach him how to grow up into an independent man.

Or maybe that was the plot of Treasure Planet. He wasn't entirely sure now.

Regardless, he shoved Eraqus's arm out of the way, intending to dismount the "glider."

"Hey, wait! I—I _am _kidnapping you, so sit back down!"

"Why?"

Eraqus frowned. "Why, what?"

"Why are you kidnapping me?"

Pirates kidnapped people because, well, that's what pirates did. How else would they get anyone to swab the deck? But Eraqus was just a kid himself, and not an intimidating one. Xehanort would bet he couldn't monologue if he tried. His voice was too Nickelodeon for it.

"Uh… because… destiny and… stuff." He handwaved it again. "Besides, it's boring being the only boy apprentice in Scala ad Caelum."

Hmm. He did say "destiny." That was about as close to monologuing as he could get. And Xehanort could understand being bored— that was why he wanted to leave the islands, wasn't it?

But he still wasn't entirely convinced. Eraqus must have realized this, because a sly grin broke out on his face.

"Hey, kid, what's your name?"

"...Xehanort," he answered, though he didn't see why that was relevant. Introductions weren't a common part of kidnappings.

"So, Xehanort, you said you wanted to be a pirate, right?" The grin widened.

"That is the goal, yes," he said slowly.

"Well… I'll have you know my glider got shot down by pirates," he whispered conspiratorially. _"Space _pirates."

Xehanort's gray eyes widened. Pirates were one thing, but _space _pirates? And they'd _shot down Eraqus's bike? _That explained why it was on fire, but he could still hardly believe it.

"Space pirates are real?" He couldn't help whispering back, just to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

"Technically speaking they're pirates of the Lanes Between but—yeah, space pirates are a thing."

_Space pirates. _Just like Treasure Planet. They could get shot at again and maybe even kidnapped and they'd also be _in space _which was much darker and also less wet than the ocean. Better in every possible way, he decided.

Xehanort sat back in the seat, nearly crushing Eraqus in the process.

"Hurry up and kidnap me, scurvy scallywag."

**A/N: Xehanort grew out of his pirate phase, but not his dramatic monologuing phase.**

**Hope you enjoyed, it's been forever since I wrote straight-up crack haha**


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